Saturday, April 2, 2011

Time Stand Still

Everything's good. It's been a fantastic week. I got a LOT done. To top it off, everything culminated in an incredible evening last night. Our Macedonia Mission team hosted a murder mystery dinner theater. It was beautiful, wonderful, and everyone that attended seemed to thoroughly enjoy themselves. Our team worked so very hard, poured their hearts out, and truly put on a top notch event. I went to sleep last night with a heart overflowing with joy, warmth, and gratitude to a God that shows up time and time again. It was a great week.

I slept in this morning. I rolled out of bed at 10:45 to be exact. Haven't done that in a while. Lenny and I made eggs, bacon, biscuits, I guess for lunch, and we watched tv for an hour or so. It was short-lived but nice.

Then he left to go visit his dad in Appomattox. I normally go along. I bowed out this time. I'm tired of going, going, going. Yet, as I watched him leave, my to-do list started rolling in my head. My cats stink. My house is dirty. There's an email waiting for me from a wonderful person who's trying to volunteer time and get some work done. I'm holding that person up. I need to learn my music. I want to go to church tonight. I have no clean underwear (shhh, I'll figure something out). Oh yeah, it's April and I haven't finished my taxes. Did I say that I needed to make the bed? I like my bed makes me happy.

Then shame sets in. There Lenny goes, by himself, to visit his family. I'm not going to visit my family and I'm not with him. Shame on me for thinking of everything I could be doing and for considering doing it, when the point of staying home was to rest. We don't have kids. Just stinky cats. Shame on me for NOT wanting to tackle the things I need to get done. Throw a couple of kids into the mix and the list would change dramatically.

Still, there's the mini-panic. I want to sit and watch tv, but without Lenny to pin me down, that's virtually impossible these days. I'm too fidgety. Yet, I know I need to rest. I just don't know how to be still anymore. That's what it all comes down to.

And the clock keeps on ticking. Without a pause button. So, I'm writing. This feels better than anything else, right now, at this moment. Just to get it out, even without uttering a word.

No audible words, just deep breaths in and and out. I smell my cats.