Saturday, April 2, 2011

Time Stand Still

Everything's good. It's been a fantastic week. I got a LOT done. To top it off, everything culminated in an incredible evening last night. Our Macedonia Mission team hosted a murder mystery dinner theater. It was beautiful, wonderful, and everyone that attended seemed to thoroughly enjoy themselves. Our team worked so very hard, poured their hearts out, and truly put on a top notch event. I went to sleep last night with a heart overflowing with joy, warmth, and gratitude to a God that shows up time and time again. It was a great week.

I slept in this morning. I rolled out of bed at 10:45 to be exact. Haven't done that in a while. Lenny and I made eggs, bacon, biscuits, I guess for lunch, and we watched tv for an hour or so. It was short-lived but nice.

Then he left to go visit his dad in Appomattox. I normally go along. I bowed out this time. I'm tired of going, going, going. Yet, as I watched him leave, my to-do list started rolling in my head. My cats stink. My house is dirty. There's an email waiting for me from a wonderful person who's trying to volunteer time and get some work done. I'm holding that person up. I need to learn my music. I want to go to church tonight. I have no clean underwear (shhh, I'll figure something out). Oh yeah, it's April and I haven't finished my taxes. Did I say that I needed to make the bed? I like my bed makes me happy.

Then shame sets in. There Lenny goes, by himself, to visit his family. I'm not going to visit my family and I'm not with him. Shame on me for thinking of everything I could be doing and for considering doing it, when the point of staying home was to rest. We don't have kids. Just stinky cats. Shame on me for NOT wanting to tackle the things I need to get done. Throw a couple of kids into the mix and the list would change dramatically.

Still, there's the mini-panic. I want to sit and watch tv, but without Lenny to pin me down, that's virtually impossible these days. I'm too fidgety. Yet, I know I need to rest. I just don't know how to be still anymore. That's what it all comes down to.

And the clock keeps on ticking. Without a pause button. So, I'm writing. This feels better than anything else, right now, at this moment. Just to get it out, even without uttering a word.

No audible words, just deep breaths in and and out. I smell my cats.


  1. HA! I just changed Charlie's litter box before reading this! It was disgusting, overflowing to be exact. Apparently someone also rubbed his back with sticky fingers, because his fur is all sticky...but I'm not giving him a bath today! One thing at a time...

  2. Bill Hybels says that the most difficult kind of leadership is Self Leadership. I would agree, and add that this includes self CARE. We simply cannot be our best self to our spouse, kids, cats, colleagues, church family, and those who serve under our leadership if we are not healthy. Something has to give.

    I made a decision a while ago. My house is a wreck in most places. Sometimes I notice, mostly I don't. Susan and I are working like crazy. No money for a hired hand. So, it just goes. We clean when someone's comin'.

    But, I decided that I would clean our bathroom sink, including the faucet, mirror, countertop, etc., EVERY TIME I got out of the shower. In this way, I felt like I could control a small area. I can say to myself, "Well, the rest of the house might be a wreck, but this spot is...spotless." It makes me feel like I have ONE area under control, and, ironically, it helps me feel better about the rest of it. Maybe I'm just weird.

    Whatever you decide to do, you have to know this: You cannot let life-sized decisions be made for you by circumstance. The squeaky-wheel approach to time management doesn't work. There will always be Brian and Beth and many other voices crying out for your time. You are so good at so many things, it makes you a very in-demand commodity.

    And that really is the decision that's in front of you: Are we commodities, where voices bid for our time and use us up...or are we a community, where we operate on a common purpose: to strive towards a goal while loving people in such a way that we don't hurt them in the process.

    I think we (PCC) want to be the latter, but sometimes we act like the former. I think I do that with you and others from time to time. Forgive me for ever treating you like a commodity.

    Take some time, Lindsay. Breathe (outside). Go with Lenny somewhere...anywhere. Forget the house, but change the box; say no to something, but wash some clothes; spend some time with God on a walk, sleep in again - this time til noon.

    We are in a marathon - and your family needs you and we need you for a long time. After all, we're community...we're FAMILY and you are a person we love who's a part of it!

    Thanks for sharing and being vulnerable with us.