Defining

For the last four weeks, I have been on a journey of self-discovery.  I guess we’re all on some sort of journey like this for our entire lives, though not necessarily in such a focused and purposeful way.  I’m really not sure how I ended up here.  I think I decided to take a break from some of the major roles I play, I was encouraged to use my time to “dig into myself” if you will, and with little energy left, a heavy heart, and great fear at what I might find, I stepped off the edge and went for it.

It’s been challenging.  I’m gushing words on paper.  Sketching out my history, major events, things I remember.  Figuring out how each moment has made me who I am today, for better or for worse.  It’s raw, painful, yet refreshing and uplifting.  There are people who genuinely care for me that check on me, guide me, spend time with me as I do this.  I’m deeply grateful.  I’m learning to accept love.  I’m learning that the “love” and time I give, while well-intentioned, may not always have the proper motives behind it.  I’m finding a deeper connection with my Creator than I’ve had in a long time.  I crave time with Him.  I’m learning to speak the name of Jesus when I realize I’ve lost control of my feelings or my thoughts…and amazingly, all feels calm.  Yep, He works like that, if you just let Him.  I’m learning to be thankful for the gifts He gives.

I’m reading books and finishing them for the first time in a long time.  If you haven’t read Ann Voskamp’s One Thousand Gifts, it’s a gem.  Check it out.  If you’re sad, if you’re in a funky place with yourself right now, it can really put things into perspective.  It’s also beautifully written. 

Somewhere in the midst of all my reading and writing, I’ve decided (at no particular prompting) to describe some things about myself in my own words.  Narcissistic?  Possibly.  However, I’ve never done it.  I think I will indulge.  I feel like it.  And this is my blog.  So here goes…

My soul is low-pitched.  Low tones resonate with me.  Perhaps that’s why I always find myself singing the male harmonies.  Perhaps that’s why I pick up the bass lines in most songs and wish that I could touch the bass being played while it’s being played.  Kings of Leon bass player dude…your bass is on my list.  I mean that in the least sexual way possible.  I really do.  I’m married and this is purely musical.  Perhaps that’s why I love a loud, thumpin’ bass beat.   Ya’ll gon’ make me lose my mind…

I am a bittersweet combo of chords.  I love sounds, music, stories that make your heart twinge.  I love to be happy also.  However, that twinge is bittersweet, but mostly sweet.  I’d much rather relish in that than be super bubbly and cheery.  Cotton candy is NOT my thing.  Sweet-N-Sour, well yes, that is my flavor.  Coldplay’s Fix You and The Civil Wars’ Poison and Wine…these taste like me.    

I’m learning that touch means something for me.  In the same way I’d like to touch an instrument being played and feel the sound, I’d like to touch the faces or throats of some vocalists I admire as they’re singing.  Adele.  Yes, she’s on the list.  Bonnie Raitt.  I missed out on Otis Redding.  Marc Broussard.   Probably some folks I know personally.  I know that sounds creepy.  But I mean that in the least creepy way possible.  I promise.  And while I’d love to, I also promise not to touch you.  As much as I’d like to, that would probably be very weird.

Purple and green are my colors.  They go with the low tones, the bittersweet, the inner dark room where music is always playing and glow-in-the-dark stars are on the ceiling.  I have no idea where this comes from.  It just IS.

I love laughter.  If you could bottle up one of those deep, never-ending belly laughs where you can’t breathe, I’d pay for that.  That’s priceless.  AND it tones your stomach muscles.  Yes it does.

I am a mozzarella cheese stick.  There is nothing better than a greasy, ooey gooey, properly breaded mozzarella cheese stick.  Hold the marinara sauce.  My cheese sticks need no embellishment.  I’ve found THE best mozzarella cheese sticks in this area.  Unfortunately, I rarely go to the establishment that sells them.  Nevertheless, I at least know where to find them.

Finally for today, I am a dancer.  But on the inside only.  Someday, I will get my body to match what my soul wants it to do.  Haven’t figured that one out yet.

On with the weekend….