Friday Wee Hour Thoughts

So, it’s officially Friday. It’s 12:21 AM and I cannot sleep. I had WAY too much caffeine this evening and the vent in our hotel room is rattling. Even though my eyes feel like sandbags, my mind is racing, so let’s get some stuff out there.

• We’re on VACATION! Yes, we’re still on vacation. It’s already been THE best vacation ever and there are still a few days left. **BIG ‘OLE HAPPY SIGH** I’ll write all about it soon. Lenny and I wrote a song about it and have lots of pictures to include that I’m unable to download to this computer. Soooo…it’ll have to wait for now.
• Before I decided to get out of bed and ramble here, I looked at the clock. I was laying on my side, my left eye closed, my right eye open. My vision was doubled. What the heck? I played with it. Left eye open, right eye open, both eyes open. Left eye’s good. Both eyes together, great. When the right eye is flying solo, my vision doubles, but only when I’m viewing the clock with my head turned sideways. The clock read 12:12. Double twelves. Mic check 1-2, 1-2. Stupid right eye.
• P.S. When I finally started typing here, it was 12:21. What the heck does that mean? Is this a test?
• We saw X-MEN First Class tonight. Lenny asked me what power I would have if I could have one. I would choose to fly. Yes I would. Like a flying squirrel or base jumper Jeb Corliss. I would glide, not use wings. Thank you very much.
• The first place we stayed on this week's little journey was The Inn at Sugar Hollow Farm, an exquisite B&B in Crozet, VA. The last two nights we stayed, we were the only people there. That meant made-to-order breakfast and, when we left Wednesday, a Lemon Chill pie to take with us. The pie is dang good…and there’s still some left. I might just have me a piece, right now, at 12:39 AM on Friday. Yep.
• Speaking of feeding my face, I’ve gained a few pounds on this fantastic vacation. Which reminds me that I must start working out again when I return. For those who read my last post, I’m getting wary of lean, mean Chalene. Just before I left Richmond last Sunday, my joints were hurting and feeling heavy. Maybe it’s too high impact. Maybe I’m just a wiener. More to come on that…
• Did I mention that this past Wednesday was our anniversary? Nine years. I love this man. He’s incredible. A week away, just the two of us, with no plan and no schedule, has been heavenly so far. Tomorrow morning, we’ll visit the spot where he proposed. I guess that sounds like a plan amongst the no-planning. That’s ok. I cannot wait!

Num num num…good pie and goodnight.

Full Circle

It's been a rollercoaster ride. The past two weeks, I mean. Let me explain...

Two weeks ago, I was an emotional wreck, a human sprinkler. I cried in front of people...A LOT. I thought I mght be pregnant for a short while. Then, when I realized I wasn't, I thought I was losing my mind.

One week ago, I felt a little better. I also started working out. TurboFire baby! In-home workout videos. During my looney-tune week, I met Chalene Johnson, creator of TurboFire. Not in person. On TV. She was crazy like me. So, I decided she should visit my house. She IS crazy like me. And she makes me sweat. In fact, she makes me jump around like a monkey. In one week, I've already lost 7 lbs. No joke. Thanks Chalene.

Five days ago, I went out on a limb and shared a song I'd written last summer. Before I say more, I'll share my all-time favorite song lyrics from Anna Nalick's "Breathe (2AM);" they perfectly sum up how I feel about songwriting:

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song

If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me

Threatening the life it belongs to

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd

'Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud

And I know that you'll use them however you want to

The song I shared last week I wrote almost one year go. Nalick's lyrics above explain why. I'm not good at simply speaking my heart. So, sharing it via a song is an entirely different animal. Literally like a journal entry, I've held that song close.

In the course of the last five days, my creation became a real, living breathing song. We used it at PCC yesterday. It was well-received, it moved people, it was...GOOD. My friend, mentor, and leader, Beth Stoddard, arranged it and sang it. That not only makes my heart swell...it takes my breath away. That's how God speaks sometimes.

You see, we've come full circle. It was in Beth's living room that my journey started almost exactly two years ago. I was an emotional wreck then. God used her to change and shape me. One year ago, I wrote a song about it. Yesterday, Beth sang it.

And so TODAY, I stand amazed amidst a two-year full circle and a two-week mini-reminder that GOD picks up the pieces, no matter where we stand, how broken or alone we feel, and no matter how scared we are to share. Still unsure about HIM? It's ok. I've been there. However, I urge you to give Him a chance. He just might amaze YOU.

Click below to check out yesterday's service and the song, The Choice.

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Time Stand Still

Everything's good. It's been a fantastic week. I got a LOT done. To top it off, everything culminated in an incredible evening last night. Our Macedonia Mission team hosted a murder mystery dinner theater. It was beautiful, wonderful, and everyone that attended seemed to thoroughly enjoy themselves. Our team worked so very hard, poured their hearts out, and truly put on a top notch event. I went to sleep last night with a heart overflowing with joy, warmth, and gratitude to a God that shows up time and time again. It was a great week.

I slept in this morning. I rolled out of bed at 10:45 to be exact. Haven't done that in a while. Lenny and I made eggs, bacon, biscuits, I guess for lunch, and we watched tv for an hour or so. It was short-lived but nice.

Then he left to go visit his dad in Appomattox. I normally go along. I bowed out this time. I'm tired of going, going, going. Yet, as I watched him leave, my to-do list started rolling in my head. My cats stink. My house is dirty. There's an email waiting for me from a wonderful person who's trying to volunteer time and get some work done. I'm holding that person up. I need to learn my music. I want to go to church tonight. I have no clean underwear (shhh, I'll figure something out). Oh yeah, it's April and I haven't finished my taxes. Did I say that I needed to make the bed? I like my bed made...it makes me happy.

Then shame sets in. There Lenny goes, by himself, to visit his family. I'm not going to visit my family and I'm not with him. Shame on me for thinking of everything I could be doing and for considering doing it, when the point of staying home was to rest. We don't have kids. Just stinky cats. Shame on me for NOT wanting to tackle the things I need to get done. Throw a couple of kids into the mix and the list would change dramatically.

Still, there's the mini-panic. I want to sit and watch tv, but without Lenny to pin me down, that's virtually impossible these days. I'm too fidgety. Yet, I know I need to rest. I just don't know how to be still anymore. That's what it all comes down to.

And the clock keeps on ticking. Without a pause button. So, I'm writing. This feels better than anything else, right now, at this moment. Just to get it out, even without uttering a word.

No audible words, just deep breaths in and out...in and out. I smell my cats.

Random Tuesday Thoughts

I’m working on a blog about how different my average week is today versus three years ago. I’m so overwhelmingly grateful for how things have changed that I just can’t find the right words yet. So, stay tuned. For now, this is all I've got...

• We had an incredible small group last night. I love my small group!
• Did you know that there’s a verse missing in the book of Mark (at least in the NIV)? Check it out…Mark 11:26. KJV has it. What’s that all about?
• My sister cooked dinner for us tonight and it was YUM-O. Chicken & noodle casserole, squash casserole, and mashed potatoes. It’s like a warm blanket has engulfed my belly. Num num num.
• Lenny’s sitting in the recliner working...at 9:30pm. I’m blogging. So there.
• My friend is having surgery tomorrow. I think it’s pretty minor and she’ll heal quickly, but I don’t even like the word ‘surgery.’ I want to camp by her bed, but I think that might be weird. So, I’ll pray and see her soon.
• I just read my friend Holly’s latest blog and it made me cry and love her even more. Check out her blog HERE.
• I want to write a song really badly. Sometimes, ‘wanting to’ is enough. Sometimes it’s not. Tonight, it’s not.
• I just rediscovered a great Bill Withers tune, Lovely Day (listen below), while watching a fairly disturbing movie, 127 days. The movie is actually a true story and there’s not really a lovely day involved. Scooby Doo. Watch the movie and that will make sense.
• Exciting things are happening at our church. We’re having a big concert on 3/19, we’re starting a Saturday night service on 3/26, and our youth Macedonia Mission Team is hosting a dinner theater, catered by Carrabba’s on 4/1. That’s only a sampling. I highly encourage you check us out on our website and on Facebook.

Today was a good day. See you soon, tomorrow.

Where's Waldo?

I've been away from this blog for a LONG time. However, let's not call me Waldo. If I absolutely had to change my name to something similar, I'd prefer Juanita. Lenny has an aunt named Juanita. Just for fun (and to make sure I was spelling it correctly), I looked up the name. The resulting reference is ABSOLUTELY NO announcement or indication. I am NOT pregnant. Enjoy this little tidbit courtesy of Google's top search result from www.babynamewizard.com:

Origin of the name Juanita: Feminine form of Juan, the Spanish form of John (God is gracious)...

Yes, I do believe I would prefer that name over Waldo. God IS gracious. Indeed He is. I am not changing my name though. So, of course, I had to look up my name. Here you go...

Origin of the name Lindsay: taken from the old Scottish surname de Lindsay, meaning "from Lindsay," a part of the county of Lincolnshire in northeastern England. Lindsay is derived from Lincoln, a shortened form of Lindum Colonia, the first part of which is thought to be from the Welsh llyn (lake) and the second of which is from the Latin colonia (colony, settlement).

Okie dokie. That's not quite as fun or inspiring, but "lake settlement" isn't terrible. I have very much digressed.

Here I am. I'm back. I've been on a social media hiatus, which primarily refers to absence from Facebook and this blog. I needed to prove to myself that disconnecting from these things would not lead to my insanity. To the contrary, here I am: living, breathing proof that I haven't developed a third eye or lost the ability to use my laptop by steering clear of these things. It wasn't so bad. I learned to live without it.

What I didn't do was compensate in other ways by connecting with people via phone or in person. That was definitely a mistake. I lost some valuable time with some people that I love. It makes me sad, but the experiment was good. What I learned...

• The world keeps turning without Facebook. The world also keeps turning if I have absolutely no regular frequency of blogging. It is fun to write though, and I'm thankful to those of you who read my blog.
• Facebook and blogging are like medicine for the extreme introvert in me. My soul thrives on being with and connecting with people. Take away these connection points, and the introvert takes over. In this day and age, Mary Poppins, a spoonful of medicine makes the sugar "go down" for me. Gimme my medicine.

There you go...nothing earth-shattering. However, I'm back. I am Lindsay, not Waldo or Juanita, and God is gracious, regardless.

Food for the Mood

It’s been an interesting week…a roller-coaster of being fired up, pressed to dig deep, forced to admit weakness, and filled with shame and humiliation that I don’t have it all under control. One of the things that I love most about our church is the encouragement of and commitment to authenticity. I thought I was getting better at being real, but now I'm not so sure. I'm finding that I don’t let go of concerns and inadequacies on a regular basis; and so, I’ve see-sawed from “everything’s great, got it all under control” to asking myself “what the heck happened, what in the world is wrong with you?” True to form, I found myself questioning whether I should publish this post. Might as well go for broke.

I was unprepared for what would follow a very real conversation this week (thank you to the folks that spent some very real time with me and encouraged some soul-searching). You’d think it would be a relief to let go of something. But, I found myself eating caramel dip straight from the container (YUM-O) and heading straight to bed to sleep it off. I got angry with God for the first time ever; I should be able to at least be real with Him. I’m finally forced to deal with some junk again when I’d rather just shove it in the closet and slam the door. Dang…this is gonna take some getting used to. I despise cleaning out closets.

Today, I’m at peace for the first time in a long time. My mind is not racing. I spent some quality time with Lenny this morning (thank you for going in a little later!). I have something to accomplish. I’m making pies. I’ve never made a pie before (it’s ok, I’m good at following instructions). I thought that I really didn’t like cooking. But how therapeutic! It’s a beautiful day outside. I’m hanging in the kitchen, having some coffee, watching leaves fall, and marveling that my pies actually look good. Taste is still to be evaluated. However, they smell good.

I needed a white shirt to serve at a special dinner tonight, but didn’t have one. A dear friend let me borrow one (check out her and her hubby’s blog here). There’s something about soul-searching followed by the hubs lingering, leaves falling, the sun shining, pies baking, cats meowing, coffee-drinking, and a friend’s sharing that just feed my mood and my soul. I’m happy, full, and feeling better about just being me and being real. Onward to the weekend…

Stories

I have a terrible habit of making things up. I’m not talking about lying. I’m talking about making things up in my mind. You know what I mean. Someone doesn’t smile as big at you, so that must mean that you smell or you said something to offend them. You’ve been called to a meeting, not told what it’s about, and so you quietly step into your hand basket and assume you know exactly where it’s going. It’s a habit many of us possess. I’ve met others, so I know I’m not the only person with a tendency to write stories in my mind.

Last night, I found myself writing a mind-novel, in which I ran from scenario to scenario and jumped from conclusion to conclusion. It was exhausting, draining, completely ridiculous. So, this morning, I decided to see what God says about it. Through a not-so-direct path, I found myself in the book of Jeremiah, strangely enough, reading the exact same passage I read earlier this week but from a different perspective:

“But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.
He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit."
– Jeremiah 17:7-8

Wow. If I’m any remnant of a tree, it certainly isn’t this one. Worrying, making things up, jumping to conclusions…that’s not trusting in my God. Letting go, trusting HIM to work things out as HE would have them…I’ve been there before and it saddens me that I stepped away, even if briefly. So, my prayer today was to let go again. I found a verse that I keep marked. Search me God, know my heart. I stand in awe of you and I’m letting go…again. You’ve got my full attention and the story is Yours to write.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.” – Psalm 139: 23-24